madeinjanuary’s Neighborhood

And he loves me so. Takes me where you never took me, although you tried to. His eyes they read so true. So different from the way it was with you...

I dont dwell on my past half as much as I use to, in fact a lot of my past is a blur. But certain songs still bring up certain people, certain days, certain feelings. And sometimes, its a refreshing blast of memories. Like on a cold November night like this one.

In every life there will be one great love and one unforgettable heart break.

November was never a good month for me, majority of my break ups happen in November. My "unforgettable heart break" happened in November. I can deny you all I want, but no one hurt me as much as you did. And I cant figure out why, besides that I was young and stupid. You were a pretty decent boyfriend, a push over but decent. But everyone needs to feel the pain you gave me, its a big part of who made me who I am today. And I happen to like who I am today.

Moving on... I'm getting married. Wow. Me. Getting married. Never would had thought. Sure we've been together for almost six years (wow, six years, really?) but I just never really saw us getting married. I'm a lot like Ben Affleck in "How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days". I figure we're happy, why ruin it by getting married. And sure, I still think that. But a small itty bitty part of me is actually kinda excited. Shh, dont tell Martin I said that. I always thought that once you get married, or engaged, the past kinda just... disappears. You dont think of the past or what-could-had-been or why-did-that-end. Why I thought that is beyond me.

I guess I'm lucky. I'm lucky because my fiance is my best of all best friends. Literally. We talk about my exes, we talk about his exes, we try to figure out why our past relationships failed. We have real conversations about things like that. He knows how I feel about all of my exes, he knows the ones I wish I was still friends with or the ones hurt me. And he does what I always wished someone would do with that information. He uses to know who I am and how I am. Not against me, but as a better understanding of how I react to things. I'm lucky because in the last six years, he was able to figure who I had a crush on. At work, at school, to him it was so obvious. And he'd pick on me, not in a jealous boyfriend way but in a ooh-I'm-telling-him-you-like-him way. And sometimes between us, its just so easy to forget we're together. Because the majority of the time, we dont feel like that. We feel like two best friends hanging out. 

Words can not express how lucky and blessed and happy I am to have him. To have someone who's just like me. Who sacrifices just to see a smile on their face. To spoil me with hugs and kisses and my favorite food "just because". Who accepts every part of me, and who is completely in love with the tomboy side of me. Someone who'll watch me put on lipstick, wipe it off with his finger, kiss me and whisper "you dont need it". Someone who makes me feel so damn alive. He wont ask why I'm crying if I dont feel like telling him but he'll hug the hell out of me until I'm spent, tuck me in bed and kiss me on the forehead and tell me to sleep it off. 

I think back to exes and memories and the crazy fucked up crap you go through with them in high school and relationships that ended far too soon. And the boys I miss. And I look at him and I'm glad those relationship ended. I'm glad for all the fucked up crazy shit I went through. I'm glad I got kicked out school. I'm glad I had to repeat senior year. I'm so glad. I'm so glad to be here, with him. With this ring on my finger. With that ring on his. 

I love you. I love you a million times. In a million different lifetimes. I've always loved you. I will always love you. My dope friend. My best friend. My babemerding. A million thank yous. For just being you <3.

I’m back to work since vacations end. It seems I have a very busy week ahead of me. I’m still struggling with him being away. I know it’s just another day that I am stress. Tomorrow I’m going to be just fine. Long distance relationships are never easy but I know there’s nothing going to tear us apart. The thing is we already are apart and it seems nothing worse than that. I've cried a thousand times over things that I can't change--hoping that someday it will. But tears and emotional wouldn’t help much with my situation—instead it makes thing worse.

Sometimes it seems like my long distance relationship will remain long distance forever. Sometimes it doesn’t seem a bad idea.  I’ve been on my own for so long now. I don’t know how it feels if we can get our life together. But then it feels so great when I hear him laugh and how I love to look into his beautiful eyes. And how it feels to be in his arms. I know how lucky I am to have him

There’s always a feeling of guilt, desperate  that stays with me. Even we already have conversations and we agree we should be together! But it seems like these are not really helping me from not being sad. How many times I remind myself how lucky we are to each other, even we aren’t in the same place.

Yesterday me and the future sis in law woke up at 0645 and headed to the Ferry building to take the Ferry to SF. Man, its been years since I've taken the ferry or the Muni. We go to SF and since we got there 10 minutes early, I stopped by my favorite bakery Miette. Picked up an Opera cake and a Caramel Panna Cotta. Made our way to Muni and took it to Civic Center. I was afraid we'd get lost but we didnt, yay! Grabbed some Burger King for breakfast and went to Behind The Emerald Curtain.

I need to expand my friend's list. I need good blogs!! I've been out of the blogging loop for awhile and am trying to play catch up! So please leave some links/comments/flares with awesome bloggers!

thx :-)

Karaokae

I’m not a karaoke lover. I enjoyed sing a song without microphone and music. At least it is less annoyed—at least it isn’t as loud.

After a year I had a chance to go to karaoke last Thursday. I felt really old! At least the song I can think of isn’t that modern. How old is Rod Stewart and ABBA by the way?

Anyway, you probably know how Thai people crazy about Karaoke—and that’s nothing wrong. In comparison Filipinos are 10 times crazy. And I got use to it when I was there; people sing a song and dance. Believe it or not! About a half of the population has a karaoke box at home!!!

Anyway the karaoke was suppose to be Cool and Fun thing to do. At least when you feel lonely or being under pressure, But this Karaoke night isn’t going to be fun because we got stood up!

Somebody who organizes this party has already invited

23Karaoke

around 15 people or so and they didn’t show up! And this party was supposed to be more likely a wedding party announcement… but the soon-to-be gloom appeared there only 15 mins and he just left!

There were only 3 people left in a big room, the room was quite more than a normal Karaoke room because that was supposed to be 15 people there. Anyway, we managed to sing and dance and ordered some foods.  

After the party ends, its time to pay the bills!  And the worst part was that who is going to pay the bill?

We stared at each other and silence.

You know I can't smile without you. I can't smile without you. I can't laugh and I can't sing— this song popup in my head  in that moment.

There’s nothing worst that you know you have to pay something you’re not supposed to pay. It feel like you pay for your underwear and it doesn’t fit you ever!

Well, life doesn’t fit. Life is change. Life is Life.

After a while, a waiter hands me a bill. “Here you are…”

"Er.. right…"  we'resupposed to pay this. of course we will. we have to! 

Well, after the party ends, how fun? Imagine that this was my wedding party announcement thingy and there were only a few people there. That is still 10 times better than this feeling. A feeling that we got stood up and nobody care each other anymore in this society. They care only about themselves. And now that was a karaoke voice in my head.

Saturday was my grandpa's birthday. And in memory of him, I decided to go see Wicked. I had wanted to see this since I heard it was playing in our area and originally had wanted to see it for my birthday, but I ended up going to Disneyland instead and I thought they were going to end but they extended it so I decided to go for his birthday (and I found out they extended our showing again).

We sat in the balcony. Like literally, the very very VERY top row. I liked our seats, they were easy to find, we were on the end and you could see the whole stage from up there. But you could see peoples faces. I still really enjoyed it. In fact, I kinda wanna see it again =). I've been obsessed since I got home. Watching it on youtube, planning to buy the soundtrack lol. Oh! I got a flying monkey plushie, a hat and a witch hat keychain. I LOVE witch hats! I'm sad this is the only picture I took. I was all nice and dressed up and I didnt get a chance to take a picture with the poster. I'm really bummed out about that... extremely bummed out to be honest.

I had something else to update on, and I dont remember what it was. Hmm.

I'm going to be doing a mini jewelry sale soon, gonna be announcing some mark. store promo's, going to be adding more pieces to my crafts blog. Its just this wire wrapping that's frustrating me. Blah! I'll get it down someday.

I wanna go on a NYX haul but ugh, I dont need any more makeup! I need to get rid of makeup! Not buy more. I have a few China Glaze and a bunch of OPI nail polishes I dont want anymore, should I put them up for sale? Can you even ship nail polish?!

Days are passing too quickly, Martin's leaving sooner and sooner :(

I made a military-ish blog here. Its not gonna be detailed like another one that I have (thats friends only) because I dont wanna violate anything. I didnt want it to get mixed up with all my other stuff.

Oh! I missed ONE day of taking birth control and the next day I got my period. You know how usually you spot? Well, I didnt spot. I got my full blown period. It sucks!!! At least now I know what happens when I miss a day, right? AND I'm drinking Pepsi. Why do you always crave the things that make you cramp when you're on your period? It tastes so good but its so painful! Argh.

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I have just had a rotten day. The day that I want to just sit alone and cried. But I couldn’t… The day I felt so humiliated, embarrassed, disappointed, and worthless. And I still have that feeling with me all the time but I need to go on.

My parents tired to arrange my wedding without asking me. They asked my boyfriend instead. I know they’re conservative and I know they care about their image. 

 Even my relationship is good but I never ask for help! They don’t have the right to do anything about it!

We were happy and enjoyed out relationship—I wanted to stay a happy couple and then later we can see what this love has got to do for us, but what now!? Somebody stepped there and force us to married… Are you joking? If we are not ready why we need to? What marriage really means? A ceremony, people and cakes? Isn’t that loving each other is more important?  Well, maybe not…

I feel a pang inside after we finished talking. I couldn’t do anything. It was like my whole world has turned around. It was a serious impact on us. How could I ask him if he wanted to marry me or not? How could I bear if he said that he doesn’t or I’m not ready? Should that be the end of our relationship?  But if he wanted to I would think because of my family has been forced him to do that anyway.

What my parents should know is that they are not going to make me marry anyone by their behavior.

When you're living in both conservative and modern country. Where you can see both thing twisted. Especially when you are Thai woman, you are in between those tradition conservation and modern kind of things. And you are being confused all the time.

I really don’t understand why Thai parents forced their child especially their daughter to married before make sure if they love each other or they’re match. Also when the relationship won’t work anymore, a divorce considered tainted for women.

What would I say with my situation? Where the society has been banned a mini-skirt (because they think that the invitation for rape) but you can find coyote girls at many events and a lot of night clubs more than just bookstore.

There’s no easy way to handle that ever!

Curtain

If I have to write about my vacations, first thing I couldn’t forget and it still scare me every night was that my sleeping walking and screaming just came back lately during my trip, and this time getting worse. I even broke the curtain rail.

I awake that night at the hotel and I seem to forget everything I did. I didn’t know what I did exactly but Colin told me that I screamed and we found out after turn the light on that the curtain rail already broken. I stood there for awhile and tried to think of what I did but useless, I can’t remember anything.

I just notice that I had a sore throat and my arms hurts so much, there was a little cut on my left arm and bruise on his arm as well.

We weren’t sure what to do … and I couldn’t fall asleep again after, I manange to sleep at last after 2 hours.

I did what I don’t remember and it was so terrible to have these symptoms back again. I wanted to cry—even I know that’s not being helpful.

Remembering, I use to send SMS while I was sleeping and I didn’t remember anything. That was terrible but this was worse.

The next morning, I told the housekeeper at the hotel that the curtain rail needs to be fix,  then she asked someone to fix it, it took 2 or 3 hours to fix and they even need to changed the new rail. I really feel so terrible about this thing. Anyway, the hotel didn’t charge us for that, they simply thought their curtain rail was too old. :P

But well, broken curtain rail can be fix, but what about me? Can I be fixed?